"The University of Bristol plans to shift its academic balance in favour of producing more employable graduates", É«ºÐÖ±²¥S , August 31.

The University of Poppleton

Why spend time at university perfecting your mind when you could be improving your employment prospects? Poppleton presents a range of courses oriented to the contemporary business environment.

BA in Call-Centre Studies

By 2005, 10 per cent of the UK workforce will be employed in call centres. This degree provides the skill portfolio for those wishing to take up leading positions within this exciting industry. Courses include: Picking up the Phone; Saying "Hello" Nicely; Reading from a Prepared Script in a North-Country Accent; and Learning to Live with Continuous Electronic Surveillance.

MSc in Advanced Networking

It's not what you know but who you know that matters in a business environment. This degree gives the techniques for replacing ordinary friends with those very special friends who will advance one's career. Options include: Smiling and Nodding; General Schmoozing; Talking Flashy Nonsense; Simulating Interest; and Intermediate Sycophancy.

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Diploma in Latte Studies

Traditional coffee-bar sector employment involved such relatively low-level skills as boiling, spooning and stirring. Today's sophisticated coffee houses require an appropriate academic background. Options include: Regular, Tall, Mega and Grande; Full Cream or Skinny; With or Without Chocolate/Cinnamon; and Do You Want a Danish with That?

BA Double Standards

Non-employer oriented university courses often concentrate on a single set of standards. This exciting new course explicitly addresses itself to the need for contemporary corporate employees to maintain two sets of totally contradictory standards. Courses include: Disingenuousness; Looking the Other Way; Intermediate Hypocrisy and Advanced Self-Deception.

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N.B. All students will be offered a choice of work experience in Arms Manufacture; Tobacco Marketing; or Preparing Meaty Tinned Foods for Babies.

The University of Poppleton

"Gearing students to employers' needs"