Yes, all of us at The Poppletonian are delighted to announce the publication of the brand-new, completely revised, dramatically improved, extraordinarily more sensitive higher education rankings for Poppleton and District.

In the past, our rankings have suffered from a number of minor defects: statistical error, the exclusion of institutions from Greater Poppleton and their compilation by people other than ourselves.

However, the 2010 rankings have employed a new rigorous methodology, someone who can add up without the use of fingers and a completely reshaped basket of indicators (see illustration).

Here are those brand-new, exciting, well-worth-waiting-for rankings in detail:

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A great big hello to first years

Nancy Harbinger, our Deputy Head of Student Experience, wishes to remind Heads of Department that all the induction sessions for this year's undergraduate intake will be handled by our new Head of Induction, Mr Tom "Cheeky" Faraday.

It is hoped that Mr Faraday's long experience of induction techniques in the mock-auction sector will ensure a significant decrease in the Post Induction Speech Depression Syndrome that has in the past led several hundred students to seek counselling immediately after having heard Heads of Department enumerate the attractions of their new life at Poppleton.

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Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Do you find your head going down and your spirits drooping and your debilitating headaches increasing as you realise that you are embarking upon yet another over-managed under-funded academic year? Here's something that should help to put you on the right path: "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new endi"

Here's not looking at you

Our university is well ahead of the field when it comes to responding to the demands in the National Union of Students Charter for more face-to-face feedback and more anonymity in assessment.

In a pilot trial at the end of last term, members of the Department of Media and Cultural Studies addressed both demands simultaneously by requiring its academics to wear masks and an X-Factor voice-modulation facility during face-to-face feedback. Although the final results are still being analysed, it already appears that a significant number of students welcomed the initiative, although some doubts were expressed about the masking process, especially with respect to Dr Quintock, whose stained brown corduroy trousers were described by one student as "a dead giveaway".

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lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.