Following the news of a porno shoot on Loughborough campus, the Head of our Plumbing Department, Professor L.M. Forsett, has responded with alacrity to the claim that Dr Jeff Freebody, a junior lecturer in his department, had taken part in a "blue movie".

He told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), that the controversial scene in the newly discovered movie that shows Dr Freebody arriving with his plumber's toolbox at the home of a partially dressed young housewife, was part of the core course in Customer Relations. He further denied the suggestion that Dr Freebody's unconventional use of his centrifugal pump in the scene fell outside industry guidelines.

Letter to the Editor

From Maureen (Departmental Secretary, Cultural and Media Studies)

I would like to announce that I am no longer available for sponsoring anything at all. I don't wish to sponsor your ascent of Snowdon, your bicycle marathon round the Cotswolds, or your attempt to walk on one leg from Basingstoke to Amersham. Quite frankly, I cannot afford a single one of your charitable endeavours. However, if there is anyone out there who would be ready to sponsor my own unaided ascent of a small mountain of administrative forms or my dangerous journey through the impenetrable thickets of next term's timetable, then they should contact me a.s.a.p. during my abnormal office hours.

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Targett slams 'grasses'

Our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, has condemned the two members of academic staff who recently gave evidence of systematic grade inflation at Poppleton to a parliamentary committee.

"It is", he said, "thoroughly regrettable that these snitches have chosen to grass up their own university when they could have resolved any disagreements over our 'remedial' marking system by going through the traditional university process of open disclosure, extended debate and complete rebuttal."

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Asked if any action would be taken against the offending academics, Targett confirmed that their academic achievement scores would be studied and that the offenders should be fully aware that in a university with a commitment to "flexible marking", such scores might well be subject to "downward orientation".

Hand back the money!

Our Vice-Chancellor is under increasing pressure to hand back some of the ?194,000 salary he received last year.

A senior member of staff from the Department of Palaeontology for Business who wished to remain anonymous, told The Poppletonian that he regarded it as "obscene" that the person who had single-handedly reduced this university to its present toxic financial position should be so generously recompensed.

Harriet Harman was unavailable for comment.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

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It's sad news that our lifelong learning centre has to be closed. Here's a little reminder that lessons in life lie all around us.

We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, but they all have learnt to live together in the same box.

Correction

This term's Manana Festival organised by the Spanish Society will be taking place today and not tomorrow as advertised.